Tuesday Evening QB - Week 15

After the Vikes lost their first game in seven weeks, Mike Tice illustrated what type of leader he is. The perpetrator of "Scalpgate", Tice criticized Minnesota season ticket holders for selling their stubs to Steeler fans:

"Maybe, in their defense, they sold the tickets when ... we were 2-5. Maybe they said, 'The heck with it, I'm not going to that.' Maybe that's the case. Or maybe Pittsburgh fans are just a little more diehard than our fans are."

Tice also complained about the lack of a crucial element of home field advantage: blatant abuse of Jumbotron(tm) replays on close calls:

"We don't get help at home on the video board at all. . . We've tried to make it so simple to give them instruction: 'Look, if you think it's going to help us, show it. If you think it's going to hurt us, don't show it.'"

Lombardi could not have said it better himself. Oh Mike, you are a classic.

Beauty Queen. Sports Fan. Millionaire.

Mondy Evening QB - Week 14

Yet another cruise control victory over a lackluster team. Yes, the Vikes D managed six turnovers, but they were playing against a 7th round draft pick rookie. The real test comes next Sunday when they take on a playoff caliber team in the Steelers. But then again, the other NFC "contenders" didnt look impressive on Sunday either:

• Eli and the Giants needed OT to beat the Eagles, who were without T.O., McNabb, Westbrook, Frey, Henley AND Walsh.
• The Cowboys were one play away from losing to K.C. at home.
  
• Duh Bears were humbled by the aforementioned Steelers.
• Seattle didnt prove much by beating up the worst team in the NFC in their home stadium. The same 49er team they almost lost to a few weeks ago.
• The NFC South teams keep beating up on each other. So that's a tough read.

Here's the clutch kicker watch for Week 14:

• Tynes missed a mid-range FG that wouldve sent the KC-Cowboy game into OT.
• Kris Brown completely shanked a short FG that wouldve sent the Tennesee-Houston game into OT.
• Bironas from Houston hit a short FG that put Tennesee up by three with :15 left.
• Graham hit one the beat the Browns by three.
  
• Feely actually made a clutch FG to beat the Eagles in OT.
• Longwell hit one in OT to beat the Lions.

Edinger is still 3-3 when the game is on the line.

Tuesday Evening QB - Week 13

The real highlight of the game was seeing Ford Field security chase and assault a fan that was holding a "Fire Millen" sign. Nice to see the Lions fans are finally starting to realize the heart of the problem. Too bad it was after West Coast(tm) Matt was given a contract extension.

Over the past five years, the Millen regime has assembled a 20-56 record, the worst in the NFL. Worse than Arizona. Worse than Clevleand. Worse than the expansion team in Houston. In that period, Detroit has changed head coaches, playcallers, QB's, receivers, and other personnel multiple times. There have only been 2 constants. And sorry West Coast(tm) Matt, but you cannot blame this on Jason Hanson.

In comparison, the five years prior to Millen taking over saw the Lions accumulate a 36-44 record with 2 playoff appearances. Nothing exciting, but at least it was respectable. The main criticism of those teams was that they'd always lose in the playoffs. Well, I guess West Coast(tm) Matt took care of that problem.

Of course, I forsaw this debacle early on. After the first game of the Millen era as a matter of fact: a 28-6 loss at Lambeau. The game result itself was predictable, but the aftermath was not. Although the enitire team struggled, Millen and his fellow West Coast(tm) Stooge Marty Moronwhig, put the loss on the incumbant QB, Charlie Batch. The argument was that poor Charlie couldnt grasp the intricacies of the West Coast(tm) Offense. They benched Charlie after ONE GAME, and replaced him with noted West Coast(tm) Expert Ty Detmer. Whereas Batch's start was in arguably the toughest venue for a visitor to play, Ty was set up to take his first starts against the hapless Cowboys and pitiful Browns.

Well, then 9-11 hit. The Cowboy game was moved to the end of the season. So West Coast(tm) Expert Ty Detmer's first start was in Cleveland. The good news for the Lions was that it was a modern-day NFL record setting performance. But it wasnt the type of record to be proud of. Ty threw seven interceptions in the 24-14 loss. SEVEN INT's against a team that had been 3-13 the previous season.

Needless to say, these two games set the tone for the rest of the season, as well as West Coast(tm) Matt's tenure.

Batch may have been the first patsy, but he wasnt the last. The next one was Moronwhig. Harrington's been the scapegoat the past couple years. Now Mariucci has taken the fall. And with all this, West Coast(tm) Matt gets a contract extension for doing the following:

• vastly overpaying for mediocre FA receivers Bill Schroeder and Az Hakim.
• drafting a QB early in the first round without providing a veteran QB to mentor him.
• drafting underacheiving WR's in the early first round for three straight years
• calling Johnny Morton a "faggot"

Well, I guess it's not so bad. After all, I am a Vikings fan.

Speaking of which, now that a lot of people are jumping on the Viking bandwagon, there's one thing that everyone should keep in mind:


The Vikings are 6-0 vs teams with losing records, but only 1-5 vs teams with winning records.

So let's just keep it real, people.

SCUMBAG

Sunday Evening QB - Week 12

Ho-hum victory over a ho-hum team.

Elsewhere in the NFL, the Giants and the Pack continue to make me look like a genius.

• NY blew it in Seattle. J Feeley missed three Game-winning field goal attempts. Makes me grateful that we have Edinger, who is 3-for-3 when the game is on the line. Eli Manning still has only one road victory on his resume (against Rodeo Cody's '9ers). The highlights were seeing Jeremy Rocker and Gap-toof Strahan prematurely celebrating seperate FG misses. Looks like Feeley is gonna be the butt of a lot of jokes this week.
  

• The Pack got beat by Mike Mcmahon and the Eagles. That means he's been beaten by the last 3 Lions QB's during this season alone (Harrington, Batch, and McMahon). Classic Farve moment in the 4th quarter. Down by 5, Brett heaved the ball up for grabs, and was picked by the Eagles Rod Hood. But it was negated by a BS roughing-the-passer call. Farve was aleardy falling down on his own after heaving it up, and was contacted by an Eagle as he was going down. Anyone not named Farve or Manning draws no call. But it didnt matter. Brett heaved it up again a few plays later, and was intercepted again by Hood. This time it counted. I guess Brett REALLY wants Reggie Bush.

• Houston blew a 10-point lead with under 1 minute left in the game. No wonder they only have one win.
• The Bengals lit up the Ravens D for 42 points. Nevertheless, the ESPN PrimeTime highlights of the game still included a Slime Time interception. He fumbled the ball at the end of the return. I thought that his grip wouldve gotten tighter after he got rid of his Jheri Curls, but whatever.
• During the Sunday Night game, I just heard Theiseman say Jim Haslett (of the 2-8 Saints) should be NFL coach of the year.
  
• Speaking of the ESPN ex-jock morons, Mike Irvin was busted again for drug possession. You know, I never wouldve guessed it after listening to his articulate insightful analysis every week.
  

Tuesday Evening QB - Week 11

What comes around, goes around. The last 4 Viking-Packer games have been decided by last second field goals. Last year, it was Farve leading the Pack to game winning drives. This year, the tables are turned. Daunte did in the dome, and Brad Johnson outdueled Farve in Lambeau.

The same Brad Johnson that has won exactly as many Super Bowl rings as Farve.

Now dont get me wrong. Brett deserves all the accolades for what he did earlier on in his career, but he also deserves criticism for all the terrible decisions he has made since then. Lets face it: His career has been in a downward spiral since 1997. The Pack failed to make the NFC Championship game since that year. His numbers have steadily deteriorated. And who (besides the Farve worshippers) can forget his playoff meltdowns against the Rams, the Eagles, and the Vikings? Yet he continues to get a free pass from all the neanderthal ex-jock NFL "analyts". Well, since they don't have the guts to tell the truth, I guess it's up to me!

Hey Brett, look up here. . . .

THROW IN THE TOWEL BECAUSE YOU ARE WASHED UP

Things I learned by watching South Park

-gerbiling
-metrosexuals
-ginger kids
-scientology

The ironic thing is that the first 3 items are real things I thought they just made up. And the last one was something I had heard of, but turns out to be made up too.

LONG LIVE XENU

Sunday Evening QB - Week 10

Ive felt many emotions after Vikings games: Rage. Depression. Ecstacy. Relief. But after Edinger nailed that 48 yarder thru the uprights, I laughed out loud. Watching the Vikings steal this game that they had ABSOLUTELY NO BUSINESS WINNING, was like watching a classic Chappelle skit.

Even funnier was watching Tice describe the defense's performance as "outstanding." The unit gave up over 400 yards, and a game tying TD drive in the 4th Quarter. But when compared to the completely inept performance of the offense, the D didn't look that bad:

• 11 first downs
• 137 total yards
• 21 rushing attempts for 12 yards
• 2 drives over 20 yards
• 1 scoring drive
  
• 3 points (compared to the D's 7 and special teams' 14)
  

Yup, this offense is really flourishing now that Daunte is gone.

Nevertheless, history was made today. The first time an NFL team returned an interception, kickoff and punt for TD's in the same game. It reminds me of a Vikes-Ravens game where there were 3 kickoff returns TD's in the first half.

And this could not have happened to a better team than the NY Giants. Whenever a NYC/NJ team puts together a string of wins, the national press fawns all over them. And this year's Giants are no exception. With their bottom-feeding 6-2 record, the Giants became the chic pick to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl. This despite the following:

• Their only road win came against Rodeo Cody Pickett and the SF 49ers.
• They had yet to face the 4-time defending division champion Eagles.
• Thier QB has had a completion ratio hovering around 50%.

Unfortunately for rational NFL fans, Eli has already acheived the "unblamable" level by the press. It took Peyton and Farve a couple full season reach that plateau. Eli on the other hand has done it while assembling a "Boller-esque" resume:

• 7-9 as a starter (Boller is 14-13)
  
• has a career completion % of 50% (Boller 55%)
  
• Passer rating of 72 (Boller 68)
  
• 21 TD's/18 INT's (Boller 20/24)
  

You could make quite a comparison between the Bush and Manning families. Underacheiving Patriarch mired in mediocrity. Big Brother appears great and gets a ton of credit, but doesnt really perform when it matters most. Lil Brother just gets by riding big bro' and daddy's coattails.

Gingervitis

Brought on by South Park Epsiode 911. I never knew pale red-headed freckled children were referred to as "Ginger Kids". At first, I thought it was just a fabrication of the minds of Matt and Trey & Co. (a la Crab People). But to my surprise, "Ginger Kids" were every bit as culturally established as "Metrosexuals". I'd say the opening scene was the highlight of the episode. And it's great to see Clyde getting some exposure. He really is the unsung hero of the show.

I cant say that Ginger Kids ever freaked me out, but the ones I went the school with were bratty. The one that came at the end of Diffrent Strokes was pretty annoying too. Same with that Problem Child that undoubtedly took some years of John Ritter's life. Opie wasn't bad, though. I'd say the only really creepy ginger kid is this one.

Speaking of creepy, I'm looking forward to learning more about the dreaded "Others" from Lost next week. They've gotta be pretty nasty to scare the shit out of Adebisi and the chick from Girlfight. Speaking of Simon, it's still a little weird to see him and Wheelchair Guy together on a different show. I mean if they have to be together, shouldn't it be on Law & Order: South Pacific? Isn't L&O where all OZ actor's go (since they cant go to heaven)?

Prediction #1:

At least 1 of the "Others" will turn out to be a turncoat Oceanic airline passenger.

Aside from this being a golden plot twist, it's very plausible. Think about it: If the "Others" threatened to kill you unless you joined them in killing your fellow airline passengers, what would keep you from accepting? What bond did these airline passengers have before the crash? Outside of their loved ones, none.

Wayne Brady makes Paul Mooney look like Arsenio Hall

"I'm Bryant Gumbel, Bitch!"

Somehow I don't think we'll ever hear that phrase uttered. Yet the articulate, multi-talented, Wayne Brady (who BTW, is ABSOLUTELY ADORED by white people) pulled off his own version with aplomb.

Every Chappelle fan has their own favorite sketches. Clayton Bigsby. Trading Spouses. Playa-Hata's Ball. Without question, my favorite is Training Day. From the moment we hear "Riverside, Muthafuckas!" to "I'm Wayne Brady, Bitch!", it's an unforgettable classic.

Think about it. Who else could pull that sketch off with such unforeseen impact? Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor couldve done the street-thug parts in their respective primes, but neither ever came off as non-threataning as Wayne. Bernie Mac's a possibility, but he couldnt have performed the Dionne Warwick song right before killing the cop.

Of course, that Chappelle episode began with Dave arguing with network execs and cutting off ties with his own show. Wayne took over as replacement host, and the show didnt miss a beat. After all, Wayne Brady is funny AND likable.

Today, Dave is in hiatus, and Chappelle's Show tragically may very well follow in the footsteps of Frank's Place. Network Execs are scrambling to find programming that can fill the gap of this huge void. The best theyve done so far is a Latino version of the Chappelle formula, with some dollarstore Paul Rodriguez just repeating the word "Beaner" every 2 minutes. (Apparently, "Beaner" is a term used to insult Latinos.) If they were just going to do a latin ripoff of a show, why couldnt it have been Sabado Gigante?

If the Comedy Central execs were actually familiar with the concept of comedy, they would do the obvious thing: Give Wayne Brady his own show. After his masterpiece performance, is there a Chappelle fan in the world that wouldnt watch it? At the very least, they'd stick around a few weeks to check if Dave would make a cameo. Outside of the historic irony, they'd be giving a half-hour slot to someone who has:

• charm
  
• improv skills
  
• musical ability (song and dance)
• acting experience
  
• ability to do impersonations
• unparallelled comedic range

Granted, he's no Colin Quinn or Graham Norton but still . . . .

Within the last few years, the following hacks/"comedians" have been given late night talk shows:

• Jimmy Kimmel
  
• Adam Carolla
  
• Craig Ferguson
  
• DL Hughley
  

When CBS held their on-air open auditions for Late Late Show host, Ferguson narrowly beat out Hughley and Micheal Ian Black for the position. This would be Hollywood's equivalent of narrowly beating out Marty Mornighweg and Art Shell for an NFL head coaching position.

Hughley is best known for his short lived ABC sitcom, and as one of the Original Kings of Comedy that wasnt Bernie Mac. OKC is a ridiculously pretentious title. Similar to calling the Backstreet Boys the Original Godfathers of HipHop. Oh well, they call New Jersey the Garden State, so I guess I shouldnt complain.

Apparently, Black has spent the past few year's being Mel Karmazin's #1 buttboy. How else to explain this talentless perv's knack for continually popping up in failed sketch comedy shows on Comedy Central and MTV? He's also constantly seen in VH1's I love the 70/80/90's etc, repeatedly attempting to make witty remarks. And failing miserably.

Kimmel and Carolla, or course had the Masterbatorial Cavalcade Man Show. Outside of the obligatory TnA, highlights included Carolla urinating on someone's wallet, and Kimmel dry-humping a monkey.

Anyone else seeing a pattern here?

After catching pieces of Fox Reality's month long Last Comic Standing decathlon, I couldnt help but noticing how talentless and UNFUNNY these people were. And that includes the show's host/pimp Jay Mohr. Isn't it ironic that many comedians are some of the most miserable and wretched people in the world:

• Bill Maher
  
• Richard Lewis
  
• Chris Rock
  
• David Spade
  
• Rosanne
  
• Margaret Cho
  
• Janeane Garafolo
  

I suppose I could go on, but my point's been made. TV comedy is filled with talentless hacks who pretend to be funny and entertaining. All the more reason someone positive and talented like Wayne Brady deserves his own show. Bitch.

Initial Entry

Why not give this a shot?