If there's one thing I know . . .

it's that you NEVER trust a guy who buttons his polo shirt all the way to the top.

Hey, Gatorade wrote me back!

And much to my surprise it wasnt a form letter:

Gatorade Consumer:

We're pleased that you contacted us about your favorite Gatorade Thirst Quencher, Citrus Cooler. On a positive note, this flavor hasn't been discontinued; but it's in limited distribution in the southern region of the country.

Citrus Cooler is available in the following states:

* Alabama * New Mexico

* Arkansas * North Carolina

* Florida * South Carolina

* Georgia * Tennessee

* Louisiana * Texas

* Mississippi

The bottle sizes are:

* 32 ounce - available in various convenience stores
* 64 ounce - available in grocery stores

Also, you may be interested in knowing that 20 oz Citrus Cooler is available nationally in Club stores (Sam's, BJ's, and Costco) that carry XTREMO variety packs - 8 each of Electro Mango, Tropical Intenso, and Citrus Cooler.

Although we don't have the facilities to process individual orders for consumers, hopefully we have provided you with information that will enable you to enjoy the flavor you have been missing. We appreciate your business, and we hope you continue to enjoy Gatorade.

Cathy
Gatorade Consumer Response
---
Sadly, I live up in the Rust Belt. Maybe Ill get a wholesale club membership. Although the last time I had one, I wound up holding onto a 2 gallon tub of mayonnaise for FAR longer than I should have.

The Boredom-Killing Business

Edward George Ruddy died today! Edward George Ruddy was the Chairman of the Board of the Union Broadcasting Systems and he died at eleven o'clock this morning of a heart condition! And woe is us! We're in a lot of trouble!!

So, a rich little man with white hair died. What does that got to do with the price of rice, right? And why is that woe to us?

Because you people and 62 million other Americans are listening to me right now.

Because less than 3 percent of you people read books.

Because less than 15 percent of you read newspapers.

Because the only truth you know is what you get over this tube.

Right now, there is a whole, an entire generation that never knew anything that didn't come out of this tube.

This tube is the gospel, the ultimate revelation.

This tube can make or break presidents, popes, prime ministers.

This tube is the most awesome goddamn force in the whole godless world.

And woe is us if it ever falls into the hands of the wrong people.

And that's why woe is us that Edward George Ruddy died.

Because this company is now in the hands of CCA -- the Communication Corporation of America. There's a new Chairman of the Board, a man called Frank Hackett, sitting in Mr. Ruddy's office on the 20th floor. And when the 12th largest company in the world controls the most awesome goddamn propaganda force in the whole godless world, who knows what shit will be peddled for truth on this network.

So, you listen to me. Listen to me!

Television is not the truth. Television's a goddamn amusement park. Television is a circus, a carnival, a traveling troupe of acrobats, storytellers, dancers, singers, jugglers, sideshow freaks, lion tamers, and football players.

We're in the boredom-killing business.

So if you want the Truth, go to God.

Go to your gurus.

Go to yourselves!

Because that's the only place you're ever gonna find any real truth.

But, man, you're never gonna get any truth from us. We'll tell you anything you wanna hear. We lie like hell. We'll tell you that Kojak always gets the killer and that nobody ever gets cancer at Archie Bunker's house. And no matter how much trouble the hero is in, don't worry. Just look at your watch. At the end of the hour, he's gonna win. We'll tell you any shit you want to hear.

We deal in illusions, man. None of it is true!

But you people sit there, day after day, night after night -- all ages, colors, creeds.

We're all you know!

You're beginning to believe the illusions we're spinning here!

You're beginning to think that the tube is reality and that your own lives are unreal.

You do whatever the tube tells you --

You dress like the tube.

You eat like the tube.

You raise your children like the tube.

You even think like the tube.

This is mass madness, you maniacs!

In God's name, you people are the real thing.

We are the illusion!

So turn off your television sets. Turn them off now! Turn them off right now! Turn them off and leave them off. Turn them off right in the middle of this sentence I'm speaking to you now.

Turn them off!!

The Miracle of Modern Marketing

I wrote an email to the suits at Gatorade (owned by Quaker Co (owned by PepsiCo)), requesting they bring back my favorite flavor: Citrus Cooler

Not only was it my favorite, but it was also the favorite flavor of former Gatorade pitchman Michael Jordan. Since it promotes itself as a "Sports Drink", it would seem completely illogical that Gatorade would discontinue offering the preferred flavor of THE GREATEST ATHLETE IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS. Tons of athletes, gym junkies, and posers would drink this flavor based on this fact alone. That would translate into Fierce sales of the product; the revenue would come Raining in.

But alas, the braintrust at Gatorade has continued to peddle gimmicks periodically in the same manner Domino's churns out types of specialty pizza.

This marketing point is especially significant now since Jordan's 3rd Air Apparent (LBJ) a Powerade flavor named after him. Appropriate enough: a Bootleg Jordan associated with a Bootleg Gatorade.

In scouring the web, the closest thing I found to an explanation was that the Citrus Cooler flavor may have been too close to Mango flavor. If that were the case, between the two, it'd be obvious that youd have to cut Mango. Having the name of an actual fruit as the flavor is blatantly lying to the consumer. It removes the suspension of disbelief. The "Mango" flavor was formulated in a factory off the NJ turnpike. Everyone who drinks it knows that Gatorade does not contain fruit juice. That's why the flavor names are especially vague:

• Orange: Just describes the color
• Lemon-Lime: Ditto, combine yellor with green
• Fruit Punch: Neither Punch nor Fruit are expected
• Tropical: 'nuff said
  
• Grape: What else are you going to call purple Gatorade
• Cool Blue: At least Gatorade didnt resort to calling its obscenely artifically colored Blue flavor "Blueberry" like Mystic did.
  

Citrus Cooler fits the bill. Keep Mango with Nantucket Nectars and the other real Fruit Juice makers.

Here's why I'm not a big fan of the medical industry. .

During a home improvement project, I notice my finger (left pinky) begin to feel stiff and pained. It gets stuck when I try to make or release a fist. Since I dont have a "doctor" per se, I go to the nearest Urgent Care center on 7/15.

The UC Doctor diagnoses it possible arthritis and prescribes 2400mg of ibuprofen a day. (an Advil tablet has 200mg) He also refers me to a general practitioner, who would then refer me to a hand specialist. The closest appoitment available was 8/4.

I show up, wait about an hour, and an assistant takes my weight, blood pressure, etc. She notices my BP is high (around 150/90). I mention that Ive never had high BP before, and it probably has to do with the medication, or the stress of finding out I might have arthritis.The doctor prescribes hydroclorozidone to decrease my BP. He gives me an "EKG" test, and recommends a follow up appointment to take an "Echo" test, and make me drop my pants, touch my balls and stick his finger up my ass. . . . . . . . .I mean a physical.

As for the finger, he puts a splint on it as if it were a sprain. Even though I explain it only gets better after I move my finger around, and that its feels the worst when its stays in the same position for a long period of time. He gives me a card for a hand specialist, and advises me to call him if Im not feelling better in a week.

After a couple days, I remove the splint, and predicably feel excruciating pain when try to move the finger. I set up an appointment with the specialist for 8/10 (today) at 9:45.

I arrive at 9:45.

I wait an hour in the waiting room, before the nurst brings me bak to an exam room.

I wait another hour in that room, and consider bailing. I bailed out on an ear/nose/throat doctor after a one hour wait. But in that case, my ear infection has pretty much cleared up between the weeks I made my appointment and the day I showed up. Plus, they never took my insurance info, so they couldnt bill me. But my fingers condition isnt going to clear up. I gain nothing by splitting. They've got me by the proverbial balls. Just like that other doctor will in a month. So I wait.

Hand Specialist finally shows up. I explain the situation. He says it's not arthritis or a sprain. He gives me a medical term (which I forgot) but the layman term is "trigger finger". He gives me a cortisone shot, confident that it should do the job.

So there you have it. One problem. Three Doctors. Three diagnoses.

I figured I was out of the woods with these glorified charlatans. But then I remembered about the physical.


[heavy sigh]

Why haven't they promoted this movie???

It's a can't miss formula; this rare gem features an SNL alum acting foolishly, and is filled with sophmoric gags that would appeal to juvenilles, working-class stiffs, and the rest of the easily entertained. And since it features a popular spectator sport, its a "wonder" why ESPN and the other sports channels wouldn't plaster it over the screen every chance they had. Or even on top of that, do a mock "Sportscentury" episode, featuring the lead character. If I were running Sony/ Columbia, I'd do everything in my power to stuff this thing down the public's throat. Hell, I'd even hire David Manning as ESPN's film critic.

If only I had learned of this cinematic masterpiece before, I wouldn't have spent the last three months playing online no-limit Virtual Jenga.