Week 4 NFL Predictions

Falcons (-7 1/2) over Cardinals
Rams (-6) over Lions
Bears (-3 1/2) over Seahawks

Last Week: 1-1-1
Overall: 3-2-1

Apparently, the Bill Maas hate is more widespread than I imagined. . .

NFL Week 3 Predictions

Panthers (-3) over Buccaneers
Redskins (-4) over Texans
Jaguars (+7) over Colts

Last week: 2-1

Best/Worst Sports Announcers

Best Play-By-Play:

• Bob Costas
• Al Micheals
• Jon Miller
• Brad Nessler
• Mike Tirico
  

Best Color:

• Dick Vermiel
• Hubie Brown
• Bill Raftery
• Steve Jones
• Bob Brenly
  

Worst Play-By-Play

• Joe Buck
• Brent Musburger
• Curt Menefee
• Ron Pitts
• Pam Ward
  

Worst Color

• Dick Vitale
• Bill Walton
• Joe Morgan
• Tim McCarver
• Bill Maas
  

NFL week 2 predictions

Colts (-14) over Texans
Saints (-3) over Packers
Rams (-3) over 49ers

How Can Briscoe High NOT Be on Probation?

I've never been a fan of Nike's advertising strategy. Instead of promoting their actual products, they simply throw huge sums of cash at high-profile athletes and celebs to appear in their ads. Then they wait for the countless lemmings and posers to buy into the Nike image.

But their latest "Briscoe High" ad campaign has reached a new level of illogic. In a weak attempt to ride the coattails of "Friday Night Lights", Nike cast NFL stars Brian Urlacher, Micheal Vick, LaDanian Tomlinson, Troy Polamalu, and Matt Leinert as High School Jocks. All on the same team. They even also throw Don Shula and Urban Meyer on the coaching staff.

With this group of expensive ringers, it's inconceivable that they could lose to another High School team, right? Well believe it or not, somehow this All-Star team finds itself DOWN 14-10 late in the game!!! Needless to say, Briscoe pulls out the win in "dramatic" fashion, with the camapigns protagonist (Ryan) catching a TD pass from Tomlinson. I use the term "protagonist" in lieu of "hero", because the obvious heroes are the players on the anonymous opposing team. I mean seriously, if something like would actually happen, how could you NOT root for the colossal upset?

It's clear that Briscoe High is filled with underacheiving cheaters. So this raises a few questions:

• What type of person is this campaign targeting?
• What message is Nike sending?
• Couldn't Nike have come up with more appropriate sports figures? . . .
  

2006 NFL Predictions

AFC East: Miami, NE, Buffalo, NJJ
AFC North: Pittsburgh, Cincinatti, Baltimore, Cleveland
AFC South: Indianapolis, Jacksonville, Tenensee, Houston
AFC West: Kansas City, Denver, San Diego, Oakland

NFC East: Washington, NJG, Philadelphia, Dallas
NFC North: Chicago, Minnesota, Detroit, Green Bay
NFC South: Carolina, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, New Orleans
NFC West: Seattle, St Louis, Arizona, San Fran

AFCC: Miami over Indianapolis
NFCC: Carolina over Chicago
SB: Miami over Carolina

If there's one thing I know . . .

it's that you NEVER trust a guy who buttons his polo shirt all the way to the top.

Hey, Gatorade wrote me back!

And much to my surprise it wasnt a form letter:

Gatorade Consumer:

We're pleased that you contacted us about your favorite Gatorade Thirst Quencher, Citrus Cooler. On a positive note, this flavor hasn't been discontinued; but it's in limited distribution in the southern region of the country.

Citrus Cooler is available in the following states:

* Alabama * New Mexico

* Arkansas * North Carolina

* Florida * South Carolina

* Georgia * Tennessee

* Louisiana * Texas

* Mississippi

The bottle sizes are:

* 32 ounce - available in various convenience stores
* 64 ounce - available in grocery stores

Also, you may be interested in knowing that 20 oz Citrus Cooler is available nationally in Club stores (Sam's, BJ's, and Costco) that carry XTREMO variety packs - 8 each of Electro Mango, Tropical Intenso, and Citrus Cooler.

Although we don't have the facilities to process individual orders for consumers, hopefully we have provided you with information that will enable you to enjoy the flavor you have been missing. We appreciate your business, and we hope you continue to enjoy Gatorade.

Cathy
Gatorade Consumer Response
---
Sadly, I live up in the Rust Belt. Maybe Ill get a wholesale club membership. Although the last time I had one, I wound up holding onto a 2 gallon tub of mayonnaise for FAR longer than I should have.

The Boredom-Killing Business

Edward George Ruddy died today! Edward George Ruddy was the Chairman of the Board of the Union Broadcasting Systems and he died at eleven o'clock this morning of a heart condition! And woe is us! We're in a lot of trouble!!

So, a rich little man with white hair died. What does that got to do with the price of rice, right? And why is that woe to us?

Because you people and 62 million other Americans are listening to me right now.

Because less than 3 percent of you people read books.

Because less than 15 percent of you read newspapers.

Because the only truth you know is what you get over this tube.

Right now, there is a whole, an entire generation that never knew anything that didn't come out of this tube.

This tube is the gospel, the ultimate revelation.

This tube can make or break presidents, popes, prime ministers.

This tube is the most awesome goddamn force in the whole godless world.

And woe is us if it ever falls into the hands of the wrong people.

And that's why woe is us that Edward George Ruddy died.

Because this company is now in the hands of CCA -- the Communication Corporation of America. There's a new Chairman of the Board, a man called Frank Hackett, sitting in Mr. Ruddy's office on the 20th floor. And when the 12th largest company in the world controls the most awesome goddamn propaganda force in the whole godless world, who knows what shit will be peddled for truth on this network.

So, you listen to me. Listen to me!

Television is not the truth. Television's a goddamn amusement park. Television is a circus, a carnival, a traveling troupe of acrobats, storytellers, dancers, singers, jugglers, sideshow freaks, lion tamers, and football players.

We're in the boredom-killing business.

So if you want the Truth, go to God.

Go to your gurus.

Go to yourselves!

Because that's the only place you're ever gonna find any real truth.

But, man, you're never gonna get any truth from us. We'll tell you anything you wanna hear. We lie like hell. We'll tell you that Kojak always gets the killer and that nobody ever gets cancer at Archie Bunker's house. And no matter how much trouble the hero is in, don't worry. Just look at your watch. At the end of the hour, he's gonna win. We'll tell you any shit you want to hear.

We deal in illusions, man. None of it is true!

But you people sit there, day after day, night after night -- all ages, colors, creeds.

We're all you know!

You're beginning to believe the illusions we're spinning here!

You're beginning to think that the tube is reality and that your own lives are unreal.

You do whatever the tube tells you --

You dress like the tube.

You eat like the tube.

You raise your children like the tube.

You even think like the tube.

This is mass madness, you maniacs!

In God's name, you people are the real thing.

We are the illusion!

So turn off your television sets. Turn them off now! Turn them off right now! Turn them off and leave them off. Turn them off right in the middle of this sentence I'm speaking to you now.

Turn them off!!

The Miracle of Modern Marketing

I wrote an email to the suits at Gatorade (owned by Quaker Co (owned by PepsiCo)), requesting they bring back my favorite flavor: Citrus Cooler

Not only was it my favorite, but it was also the favorite flavor of former Gatorade pitchman Michael Jordan. Since it promotes itself as a "Sports Drink", it would seem completely illogical that Gatorade would discontinue offering the preferred flavor of THE GREATEST ATHLETE IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS. Tons of athletes, gym junkies, and posers would drink this flavor based on this fact alone. That would translate into Fierce sales of the product; the revenue would come Raining in.

But alas, the braintrust at Gatorade has continued to peddle gimmicks periodically in the same manner Domino's churns out types of specialty pizza.

This marketing point is especially significant now since Jordan's 3rd Air Apparent (LBJ) a Powerade flavor named after him. Appropriate enough: a Bootleg Jordan associated with a Bootleg Gatorade.

In scouring the web, the closest thing I found to an explanation was that the Citrus Cooler flavor may have been too close to Mango flavor. If that were the case, between the two, it'd be obvious that youd have to cut Mango. Having the name of an actual fruit as the flavor is blatantly lying to the consumer. It removes the suspension of disbelief. The "Mango" flavor was formulated in a factory off the NJ turnpike. Everyone who drinks it knows that Gatorade does not contain fruit juice. That's why the flavor names are especially vague:

• Orange: Just describes the color
• Lemon-Lime: Ditto, combine yellor with green
• Fruit Punch: Neither Punch nor Fruit are expected
• Tropical: 'nuff said
  
• Grape: What else are you going to call purple Gatorade
• Cool Blue: At least Gatorade didnt resort to calling its obscenely artifically colored Blue flavor "Blueberry" like Mystic did.
  

Citrus Cooler fits the bill. Keep Mango with Nantucket Nectars and the other real Fruit Juice makers.

Here's why I'm not a big fan of the medical industry. .

During a home improvement project, I notice my finger (left pinky) begin to feel stiff and pained. It gets stuck when I try to make or release a fist. Since I dont have a "doctor" per se, I go to the nearest Urgent Care center on 7/15.

The UC Doctor diagnoses it possible arthritis and prescribes 2400mg of ibuprofen a day. (an Advil tablet has 200mg) He also refers me to a general practitioner, who would then refer me to a hand specialist. The closest appoitment available was 8/4.

I show up, wait about an hour, and an assistant takes my weight, blood pressure, etc. She notices my BP is high (around 150/90). I mention that Ive never had high BP before, and it probably has to do with the medication, or the stress of finding out I might have arthritis.The doctor prescribes hydroclorozidone to decrease my BP. He gives me an "EKG" test, and recommends a follow up appointment to take an "Echo" test, and make me drop my pants, touch my balls and stick his finger up my ass. . . . . . . . .I mean a physical.

As for the finger, he puts a splint on it as if it were a sprain. Even though I explain it only gets better after I move my finger around, and that its feels the worst when its stays in the same position for a long period of time. He gives me a card for a hand specialist, and advises me to call him if Im not feelling better in a week.

After a couple days, I remove the splint, and predicably feel excruciating pain when try to move the finger. I set up an appointment with the specialist for 8/10 (today) at 9:45.

I arrive at 9:45.

I wait an hour in the waiting room, before the nurst brings me bak to an exam room.

I wait another hour in that room, and consider bailing. I bailed out on an ear/nose/throat doctor after a one hour wait. But in that case, my ear infection has pretty much cleared up between the weeks I made my appointment and the day I showed up. Plus, they never took my insurance info, so they couldnt bill me. But my fingers condition isnt going to clear up. I gain nothing by splitting. They've got me by the proverbial balls. Just like that other doctor will in a month. So I wait.

Hand Specialist finally shows up. I explain the situation. He says it's not arthritis or a sprain. He gives me a medical term (which I forgot) but the layman term is "trigger finger". He gives me a cortisone shot, confident that it should do the job.

So there you have it. One problem. Three Doctors. Three diagnoses.

I figured I was out of the woods with these glorified charlatans. But then I remembered about the physical.


[heavy sigh]

Why haven't they promoted this movie???

It's a can't miss formula; this rare gem features an SNL alum acting foolishly, and is filled with sophmoric gags that would appeal to juvenilles, working-class stiffs, and the rest of the easily entertained. And since it features a popular spectator sport, its a "wonder" why ESPN and the other sports channels wouldn't plaster it over the screen every chance they had. Or even on top of that, do a mock "Sportscentury" episode, featuring the lead character. If I were running Sony/ Columbia, I'd do everything in my power to stuff this thing down the public's throat. Hell, I'd even hire David Manning as ESPN's film critic.

If only I had learned of this cinematic masterpiece before, I wouldn't have spent the last three months playing online no-limit Virtual Jenga.

Tuesday Evening QB - Week 15

After the Vikes lost their first game in seven weeks, Mike Tice illustrated what type of leader he is. The perpetrator of "Scalpgate", Tice criticized Minnesota season ticket holders for selling their stubs to Steeler fans:

"Maybe, in their defense, they sold the tickets when ... we were 2-5. Maybe they said, 'The heck with it, I'm not going to that.' Maybe that's the case. Or maybe Pittsburgh fans are just a little more diehard than our fans are."

Tice also complained about the lack of a crucial element of home field advantage: blatant abuse of Jumbotron(tm) replays on close calls:

"We don't get help at home on the video board at all. . . We've tried to make it so simple to give them instruction: 'Look, if you think it's going to help us, show it. If you think it's going to hurt us, don't show it.'"

Lombardi could not have said it better himself. Oh Mike, you are a classic.

Beauty Queen. Sports Fan. Millionaire.

Mondy Evening QB - Week 14

Yet another cruise control victory over a lackluster team. Yes, the Vikes D managed six turnovers, but they were playing against a 7th round draft pick rookie. The real test comes next Sunday when they take on a playoff caliber team in the Steelers. But then again, the other NFC "contenders" didnt look impressive on Sunday either:

• Eli and the Giants needed OT to beat the Eagles, who were without T.O., McNabb, Westbrook, Frey, Henley AND Walsh.
• The Cowboys were one play away from losing to K.C. at home.
  
• Duh Bears were humbled by the aforementioned Steelers.
• Seattle didnt prove much by beating up the worst team in the NFC in their home stadium. The same 49er team they almost lost to a few weeks ago.
• The NFC South teams keep beating up on each other. So that's a tough read.

Here's the clutch kicker watch for Week 14:

• Tynes missed a mid-range FG that wouldve sent the KC-Cowboy game into OT.
• Kris Brown completely shanked a short FG that wouldve sent the Tennesee-Houston game into OT.
• Bironas from Houston hit a short FG that put Tennesee up by three with :15 left.
• Graham hit one the beat the Browns by three.
  
• Feely actually made a clutch FG to beat the Eagles in OT.
• Longwell hit one in OT to beat the Lions.

Edinger is still 3-3 when the game is on the line.

Tuesday Evening QB - Week 13

The real highlight of the game was seeing Ford Field security chase and assault a fan that was holding a "Fire Millen" sign. Nice to see the Lions fans are finally starting to realize the heart of the problem. Too bad it was after West Coast(tm) Matt was given a contract extension.

Over the past five years, the Millen regime has assembled a 20-56 record, the worst in the NFL. Worse than Arizona. Worse than Clevleand. Worse than the expansion team in Houston. In that period, Detroit has changed head coaches, playcallers, QB's, receivers, and other personnel multiple times. There have only been 2 constants. And sorry West Coast(tm) Matt, but you cannot blame this on Jason Hanson.

In comparison, the five years prior to Millen taking over saw the Lions accumulate a 36-44 record with 2 playoff appearances. Nothing exciting, but at least it was respectable. The main criticism of those teams was that they'd always lose in the playoffs. Well, I guess West Coast(tm) Matt took care of that problem.

Of course, I forsaw this debacle early on. After the first game of the Millen era as a matter of fact: a 28-6 loss at Lambeau. The game result itself was predictable, but the aftermath was not. Although the enitire team struggled, Millen and his fellow West Coast(tm) Stooge Marty Moronwhig, put the loss on the incumbant QB, Charlie Batch. The argument was that poor Charlie couldnt grasp the intricacies of the West Coast(tm) Offense. They benched Charlie after ONE GAME, and replaced him with noted West Coast(tm) Expert Ty Detmer. Whereas Batch's start was in arguably the toughest venue for a visitor to play, Ty was set up to take his first starts against the hapless Cowboys and pitiful Browns.

Well, then 9-11 hit. The Cowboy game was moved to the end of the season. So West Coast(tm) Expert Ty Detmer's first start was in Cleveland. The good news for the Lions was that it was a modern-day NFL record setting performance. But it wasnt the type of record to be proud of. Ty threw seven interceptions in the 24-14 loss. SEVEN INT's against a team that had been 3-13 the previous season.

Needless to say, these two games set the tone for the rest of the season, as well as West Coast(tm) Matt's tenure.

Batch may have been the first patsy, but he wasnt the last. The next one was Moronwhig. Harrington's been the scapegoat the past couple years. Now Mariucci has taken the fall. And with all this, West Coast(tm) Matt gets a contract extension for doing the following:

• vastly overpaying for mediocre FA receivers Bill Schroeder and Az Hakim.
• drafting a QB early in the first round without providing a veteran QB to mentor him.
• drafting underacheiving WR's in the early first round for three straight years
• calling Johnny Morton a "faggot"

Well, I guess it's not so bad. After all, I am a Vikings fan.

Speaking of which, now that a lot of people are jumping on the Viking bandwagon, there's one thing that everyone should keep in mind:


The Vikings are 6-0 vs teams with losing records, but only 1-5 vs teams with winning records.

So let's just keep it real, people.

SCUMBAG

Sunday Evening QB - Week 12

Ho-hum victory over a ho-hum team.

Elsewhere in the NFL, the Giants and the Pack continue to make me look like a genius.

• NY blew it in Seattle. J Feeley missed three Game-winning field goal attempts. Makes me grateful that we have Edinger, who is 3-for-3 when the game is on the line. Eli Manning still has only one road victory on his resume (against Rodeo Cody's '9ers). The highlights were seeing Jeremy Rocker and Gap-toof Strahan prematurely celebrating seperate FG misses. Looks like Feeley is gonna be the butt of a lot of jokes this week.
  

• The Pack got beat by Mike Mcmahon and the Eagles. That means he's been beaten by the last 3 Lions QB's during this season alone (Harrington, Batch, and McMahon). Classic Farve moment in the 4th quarter. Down by 5, Brett heaved the ball up for grabs, and was picked by the Eagles Rod Hood. But it was negated by a BS roughing-the-passer call. Farve was aleardy falling down on his own after heaving it up, and was contacted by an Eagle as he was going down. Anyone not named Farve or Manning draws no call. But it didnt matter. Brett heaved it up again a few plays later, and was intercepted again by Hood. This time it counted. I guess Brett REALLY wants Reggie Bush.

• Houston blew a 10-point lead with under 1 minute left in the game. No wonder they only have one win.
• The Bengals lit up the Ravens D for 42 points. Nevertheless, the ESPN PrimeTime highlights of the game still included a Slime Time interception. He fumbled the ball at the end of the return. I thought that his grip wouldve gotten tighter after he got rid of his Jheri Curls, but whatever.
• During the Sunday Night game, I just heard Theiseman say Jim Haslett (of the 2-8 Saints) should be NFL coach of the year.
  
• Speaking of the ESPN ex-jock morons, Mike Irvin was busted again for drug possession. You know, I never wouldve guessed it after listening to his articulate insightful analysis every week.
  

Tuesday Evening QB - Week 11

What comes around, goes around. The last 4 Viking-Packer games have been decided by last second field goals. Last year, it was Farve leading the Pack to game winning drives. This year, the tables are turned. Daunte did in the dome, and Brad Johnson outdueled Farve in Lambeau.

The same Brad Johnson that has won exactly as many Super Bowl rings as Farve.

Now dont get me wrong. Brett deserves all the accolades for what he did earlier on in his career, but he also deserves criticism for all the terrible decisions he has made since then. Lets face it: His career has been in a downward spiral since 1997. The Pack failed to make the NFC Championship game since that year. His numbers have steadily deteriorated. And who (besides the Farve worshippers) can forget his playoff meltdowns against the Rams, the Eagles, and the Vikings? Yet he continues to get a free pass from all the neanderthal ex-jock NFL "analyts". Well, since they don't have the guts to tell the truth, I guess it's up to me!

Hey Brett, look up here. . . .

THROW IN THE TOWEL BECAUSE YOU ARE WASHED UP